Clique

I have been thinking more about my psychological age over the past month. A post I shared recently included a section about the number of years I’ve been alive including a unique label for the years I was in the closet. Being in the closet is a form of Identity foreclosure which is known to delay the exploration commonly associated with adolescence. As you get older, you can continue to commit to staying in the closet and choosing the foreclosed identity – often religion and culture support this choice – or you can choose to change your mind.

Obviously, I chose to change my mind. As result, I have been forced to reckon with an entire adolescence and early adulthood of untested beliefs, unexplored desires, and repressed thoughts. Including the first eleven years of my life, I have only lived 14 years out of the closet. My closeted life is old enough to drink, but out of the closet I’m not even old enough to drive. Of course, I already knew this, but the diagram was a really helpful exercise to make it more clear.

With this acceptance, I have started to think of myself as 14 years old in some ways. Not to make excuses, but to have grace for specific aspects of my psychology that seem much more immature than others. To reclaim these parts of me has involved a process of starting all over again. It has been hard to feel like such a beginner and confusing to myself and to others because I present as fairly well-adjusted in many ways until I come upon something (a belief, habit, behavior) that never really grew up.

One aspect of my life right now that makes a lot of sense from the lens of adolescence is how I am drawn to people with similar stories and backgrounds as me. Adolescence is a time of rapid change, awakening, and insecurity. It is common to seek out people who affirm you and support your fledgling identities at these early ages. This past summer I went to my first real circuit party in a venue that holds thousands of people. One thing that blew me away was how defined many of the “tribes” were in the crowd. There were muscle guys, bears, circuit boys, twinks, pups, and daddies. Of course there were lots of people there as a couple and not everyone fit this stereotype, but it was very noticeable and common. I thought it was odd until I reflected on my own experience.

Since coming out I have often struggled to relate to people whose life stories, worldviews, or even opinions about things differ from mine. I have found myself mired in comparison and insecurity, feeling like I don’t get references or haven’t experienced enough. I have felt bad about this and judged myself for not being more secure in myself and confident enough to relate to others. Of course, it’s common to be drawn to people who are similar to you in terms of background, interests, ages, and identities, but I have especially noticed this shift since coming out compared to the years before.

I have wanted desperately (and tried) to jump past this stage, but instead I have decided to just be conscious of it, lean into the relationships that feel most safe and supportive, and slowly build my way out when it feels natural and sustainable.